A Life Alone?

There are still women out there who want a relationship somewhat along the lines you describe. But often times, they figure guys don't want someone clingy, that guys want someone a bit more independent. People have become disillusioned that relationships can actually last. No one wants to feel smothered. Do they have something like Events and Adventures where you are? Rather than online dating sites, just go out and meet random people.

Personally, I would find life along rather lonely, I have no desire to be that independent.

I found myself in the opposite situation. Having spent many years dating an undependable man, and having an abusive irresponsible jerk for a father. I desired more than anything to have a degree in something that could support me if something like that happned to me. Unfortunately when I graduated from college with a degree in engineering and broke up with undesirable ex boyfriend. I was already considered old for the dating pool I was in. And I just continued to scare off guys who might be potentially interested because of my degree. The kind of guy I wanted was one like you, who would support me and want to have children. After several years of this single scene I decided to move out of state to live out my life as a bitter single. When I met my husband who has the same goals as me, and wasn't scared off by my being an engineer, it was the best thing ever. So don't give up hope.

My plan is to move to China or Japan, as soon as I can find a software engineering job, because:

1. It's an adventure. I've spent my whole adult life in Seattle, and it's getting kind of boring.

2. I can learn Chinese or Japanese much better, which I assume will probably come in handy one of these days.

3. (And obviously this should really be #1) The girls. As you've already discovered, East Asian girls, relative to white American girls, tend to underweight the undesirable qualities and overweight the desirable qualities of guys like you and me. This is doubly true in East Asian countries, where nerdiness and lackluster social skills are more common, and where you get points just for being an American. I gather that the woman:man::fish:bicycle type of feminism you describe is less prevalent there, too.

You should consider it. A friend of mine who quit his job to move to Japan last year says it's been working out really well for him.

By the way, to answer the question you asked in the comments on your 2007 retrospective (sorry--I started to reply but got sidetracked), the Thai girl did seem pretty westernized, although she'd only been here for a couple of years.

I don't know your friend, so I'm not commenting on her specifically, but many attractive women have, from the age of 15 or 16, gone from one relationship to another with very little time in between. As a result, they have absolutely no idea what it's like to be single for an extended period of time.

I've heard this kind of thing several times before, and it never sticks. Every woman I know of who's ever sworn off men has fallen off the wagon in a matter of days or weeks. I'm sure that there are a few out there who stick with it, but they're the exception, not the rule.

don't move to china or japan... just realize that some women just like some men would rather live an independent life... it really has less to do about their past relationships and more about their selfish futures...

Kyle,

I have to agree somewhat with your female friend. I am not so much looking for security and value as much as someone who really understands me and is willing to work as a team through life’s issues and duties. I never dreamed of being able to sit at home all day and not work, to raise kids full-time (that would drive me bonkers). I was absolutely terrified of getting married until I started dating a good friend of mine 5 years ago (who is now my fiancé) who I met almost ten years ago. The relationship has a strong base of friendship. I am now not worried that my marriage will turn into my parents (the wife working full-time but at the same time doing all the childrearing, cooking, cleaning, and shopping). I want someone I can do the drudgery day to day chores/work with that helps make them enjoyable, fun, and more bearable. That the duties aren’t split due to one’s sex. I can take a vacation with anyone, but I need someone who is responsible at home that I don’t have to worry about him having inappropriate relationships with others, sending us to financial ruin, or not being at home at night doing who knows what.

The relationship you are talking about sounds to an extent, paternalistic. I think most women don’t want that. They are looking at a more equality thing. (I could be the exception, we both proposed to each other…). I don’t need a dad, I want a partner. I also look at my partner as someone who can enhance my life but is not responsible for making me happy (that puts too much pressure on the guy and takes my responsibility away of controlling my own life/feelings. It instead makes me live passively which is a very bad idea.

If I had a choice, I will admit, I would rather stay single. However, I am a very touchy feely person that craves lots of affection that nonhumans (like my dog) can’t give. No matter how hard I tried, I can’t get rid of that part of me, it part of the core of who I am. I have being living almost two years by myself and I admit that after a year it got old and I became lonely. If I didn’t have a strong desire to be so intimate (physically, emotionally, mentally) connected with another person (and I am not just talking about sex here) I would be single and not be involved. Period. Yes, relationships are really hard work. But anything worth having is going to take a lot of work.

Don’t settle for anybody. Find someone who makes you a better person, helps you grow, understands you, and loves you even with your faults. And most important, be yourself! They need to love you for you, not someone you pretend to be. I know you will find the woman of your dreams. Just be patient! :)

~Kim K

Don’t give up Kyle. You will find someone. You are a great guy. It’s just hard to find the right person. Most of the women I know, including myself, want a partner in life not someone to care for them. Granted there are exceptions but from what I’ve seen those looking for someone to take care of them tend to be unambitious. I don’t think you’d be happy with someone like that.

Kyle,

Ive read your site here for quite some time now and have never seen you write like this.

You say that if a woman, who wants to work as hard at you at a relationship, has met a guy like you, then she is already off the market. This assumes that there are no women who HAVENT met a guy like you. Wrong.

Also, just because one marketable (by your terms) woman decides that she is pulling herself off the market does NOT mean that another does the exact opposite and puts herself ON the market.

I would think that you would be GLAD to find that a woman, who doesnt WANT to give herself to a relationship that will NEVER BE truly equal, decides to give it up and opt for a life of singledom. How about you be happy she didnt have this change of heart AFTER she married someone like you. It happens FAR more than you might imagine (that goes for both men and women who decide after marriage that they arent up for the challenge, by the way.)

The fact that you are second-guessing yourself should warn you NOT that you approach is wrong, but that you may not have the fortitude to stick to what is right, even in the face of adversity. Marriage will NOT always be in your best interest. The decision to stay committed, for reasons larger than your own and often at odds with what we may want at the time, is the very essence of marriage. The decision to be a partner to someone, who isnt and will never be perfect or equal, is what makes marriage different from dating. It has little to do with happiness. Happiness is a byproduct of lasting marriage, however.

Keep the faith...and keep making yourself into a better man. That is NEVER a wasted endeavour...especially for the woman who made herself better, while waiting for you to find her.

Wow, I was googling to see what was out there on this topic because I actually wanted to write a book about people who have decided to live their lives alone. I was in the self-help section at Indigo (like your Borders) and didn't see anything about it; all that's there is stuff about how to stop being single, or how to repair the relationship that you're in.

For me, I have made the decision at age 38 to be alone for life. I have no tolerance any more for rejection or disappointment. Having loved and lost `The One', and realizing that there IS no one else for me - and also, that `The One' isn't coming back to me- I am finished with the search for companionship. I'm not wired for casual sex, either, so that's not going to be happening. I've always been a very sociable and friendly fella outwardly, but I pretty much prefer being by myself, so this won't be a stretch at all. I won't lie and say that there won't be times where I meet someone and think `wow', but I refuse to let my heart be inadvertently or deliberately broken again- I simply won't let her anywhere close to me. So I'm the mirror image of the women cited in the initial posting; to me, they are worse than nothing. Lots of great women out there, for sure- but under no circumstances will I risk getting hurt by any of them- no way. I'm finished. I'm going on two years now, and it simply gets easier and easier.